Lost

I never really figured out what music does to me. There are times I “know” it can kill me. It can burn my insights with fear, rage or even disgust and yet there are times that living without music seems like the biggest mistake…whatever it is, it helps me write when I don’t feel like it. When there are things to say but no motivation to open my mouth and let it all out, the music suddenly eases the flow of thoughts!

I can’t remember the last time I actually felt alive. Sure, I have been happy…but alive…no…perhaps I have pushed my mind towards perfection too hard. I have always wanted it all and “doing my best” was never good enough. I modified my behavior to obtain the best outcome. I tried to optimize my human functions accordingly and apparently I have failed. I am undefined. I can’t feel pain, I can’t process regret or passion. I’d rather analyze than feel and I’m not sure I can take this anymore. Fake laughs, fake tears and maybe…just maybe a real smile every now and then…sure there is something within the darkness that makes my eyes glitter with every glimpse of feeling but other than that, my body has become a prisoner of the mind and the words…merely a tool for expressing feelings I can’t actually feel. But I swear my intentions have been pure…, heh! I don’t even know if they can be that way when you don’t feel…

I just hope my mistake will be short-lived. I will do my best to undo what I have done but it will never be good enough for me :)…so when you think of me…just remember the friend you grew up with, the brother who stood by you when you needed him and leave out all the rest…